Lou’s story – Online Intergroup of Alcoholics Anonymous

Lou’s story

I am a 51 year old woman with three teenage children and a loving husband. We moved around a lot like Bill W and his wife, Lois, always thinking somewhere else would be better.

I’m not sure when the booze began to take hold of me. I always had my binge times, like at Uni or just when I lived in London as a single girl and partied. But then after my dad died (in my house after a big drinking session in secret), I was heartbroken but didn’t show it. I continued to grow my family and we moved around. “Wine o’clock” became my thing – usually the time between school ending and bedtime for kids. I would have two wines, no more. But then, once the children could be left with a babysitter, I began to crave more big nights out. We went out and took E then coke and drink. It was like I became this possessed person who never wanted the night to end because then I would have to face the next day, the normality and my feelings – deep rooted fears – fears that I was responsible for my dad’s death, fear I wouldn’t belong anywhere. Wine o’clock increased and, even though I stopped at a few glasses, this is where the cunning act of alcohol comes in. It tricks you, takes over your life, and everything else becomes secondary to it.  Ten years after the birth of my youngest, I found myself in a really good job, but I felt myself a fraud – that I didn’t deserve it or wasn’t clever enough for it. I started to drink more to compensate . No one suspected, but my husband did comment I was drinking one or two bottles a night. I then began to drink earlier in the afternoon, and the rest of the time I just couldn’t relax until I had my wine.

It was crazy. I felt like I was heading into hell. I couldn’t understand why I felt more and more unhappy. My family loved me and I had a great job. But the thing was the booze had got me – it had created a person full of resentments. I drank on these.

Then last year I walked into AA. I didn’t even know or think about alcoholism; I just knew I was a wretch, and I think God was knocking on my door saying, “Hey…”  I am now 7 months sober. 4 months was the worst, but now I feel okay. Even though I sometimes feel flat, like there is nothing, there are some days I’m just calm and accepting. I’m working the Steps and I’m currently feeling okay. I never had that in my life.